When I got pregnant with Jude it was certainly unexpected. But what was even more unexpected was all the "side effects" that I had. I didn't know a THING about pregnancy. And boy was I not ready! I'm sure I'll have a whole other post for all the things I wasn't prepared for for labor. But for now, this is what I have!
Here are all the things I WISH I had known.
1. Your body gets swollen...everywhere - Yes, you probably know that you'll get a belly the size of a watermelon but what they don't tell you is that the rest of your body is going to retain water like crazy. Your face will get fat, your ankles will be indistinguishable, your hands won't fit rings and your feet will only fit into flip flops. For those of you who can't wear flip flops to work, you may want to invest in some wider and longer shoes. Just remember that you need to be drinking even MORE water otherwise your body will retain it worse. The weirdest part of this kind of swelling is that you'll be able to touch your finger to your legs and make indentions in your skin that don't go away right away. My husband likes to joke that you can pretty much draw pictures on my legs and feet.
2. You'll get stretch marks... in unexpected places - While I've been expecting to get stretch marks on my stomach (thankfully that hasn't happened... yet!), I was NOT prepared for the stretch marks that I got on "the girls". While it was nice to finally have the big boobs I'd always tried to create with push up bras, I could do without the ugly purple stretch marks. Unfortunately, you might get them on your hips, legs, love handles, etc also. I hate to say, no matter how much you butter yourself up, there is NOTHING you can do to not get stretch marks. They are in your genes. (so go yell at mom for cursing you with such horrible genetics...)
3. You'll get heartburn that rivals swallowing a fireball - I've had heartburn occasionally before I was pregnant, but NOTHING compared to what it is like during pregnancy. If you don't get it, be grateful. You will eat tums like candy (and perhaps have to get a prescription for something stronger like I did), not be able to lie down completely flat and practically swallow stomach acid every time you eat. And don't think just because you lay off the pizza that you won't have heartburn. It will come no matter what you eat since that cute little thing in your belly is literally pushing stomach acid back up your throat. Oh the joys of having cramped internal organs! yay you!
4. You will get used to wet panties or suck it up and buy panty liners - Yep, you will CONSTANTLY have discharge. Some women get it so bad they buy panty liners and wear them every day. Just another reason not to feel "sexy" anymore.
5. A snot-like substance will fall right out of your va-jay-jay - Yep. One day in your third trimester you'll look into your undies or wipe yourself and find a big glob of something that resembles that which should only come out of your nose. It may be anywhere from yellow to brown to red and may or may not be bloody. Don't fret! While this used to be believed that you'd go into labor within like 48 hours... such is not the case. You may still have a few weeks left!
6. Your boobs will go up a cup size... and another... and another... - Not only do your boobs literally swell two cup sizes the minute the strip turns pink (and feel like someone used them for punching bags), they also continue to grow as your pregnancy progresses (and from what I hear, they go up even more once you start breast feeding). If you were thinking about getting implants prior to getting pregnant, here is your free trial. You may rethink that decision later. I would also like to note here that you will eventually feel like the bra companies are absolutely evil for inventing underwire, especially if you hold the baby higher like me. Oh sweet heavens does the non-underwire bras feel once you finally give in and buy them. Don't wait until your third trimester like I did when your once B-cup is unfortunately a full D-cup... no one will care that your boobs aren't as perky as before. They are all too focused on your protruding belly to care.
7. You will fall asleep on the couch as soon as you sit on it - While this varies from trimester to trimester, this is pretty universal during all of them. Some people get a burst of energy in their second trimester that makes this stop temporarily, but not all (like myself) are that lucky.
8. Men will suddenly act like you're a goddess - While I heard this was the case, I never realized how much men LOVE pregnant women. If a man sees a pregnant woman drop something on the floor, by the time she has even thought of picking it up, he is putting it back in her hand. They will ask you questions about the baby, how you are feeling, and maybe even caress that big ol' stomach of yours. It's weird to see men faun over you when you feel like a cow but it sure does help your self esteem when you are about 30 pounds heavier and have the ankles to prove it.
9. Pregnancy brain does exist - What is "pregnancy brain" you may ask? Only the worst thing ever when you are normally majorly independent. Not only will you forget where you put anything but you will literally not be able to remember ANYTHING anyone tells you. You will feel like a complete idiot because you may draw blanks on questions you once knew in an instant. You will do things wrong and not understand why. You will just want to hit people all the time because everyone just seems to have it "together" and you just don't. And if you are working during pregnancy, I hope for your sake you have a forgiving boss, I really do.
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